The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Here are this year’s winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,which lasts until you realize it was your money to start With.

2. Reintarnation : Coming Back to life as a hillbilly ..

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism Spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal Coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A Degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no Action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

And the #1 pick:
17. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an a##hole.

• Can you cry under water?
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
• Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
• What disease did cured ham actually have?
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
• Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
• Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
• If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
• They’re both dogs!
• If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
• Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

The eye makes movements 50 times every second.

In 2003, a 6-year-old from Naples, FL was ticketed for not having a permit for her lemonade stand.

1. After being decapitated, the average person remains conscious for an additional 15-20 seconds. Talk about a way to go.

2. Mourning your dear departed cat? You could shave your eyebrows like the ancient Egyptians used to. Then again, maybe a trip to the pet cemetery would be easier.

3. May want to rethink what you bury your loved ones in. An old wives’ tale claims that if a woman is buried wearing the color black, she’ll come back to haunt the family.

4. Speaking of preventing hauntings, yet another old wives tale led to the institution of burial wreaths. It was believed that the wreath would encircle the spirit of the dead person, thereby preventing them from returning from the grave.

5. In 1931, Henry Ford decided to preserve his friend, Thomas Edison’s last dying breath. He kept it in a bottle. Hope he put a label on that one.

6. One of the main reasons cowboys carried pistols in the 1800’s was to avoid being dragged to death by their horse. You think they could have just gotten bigger stirrups.

7. The last words spoken by Union General John Sedgewick were, “They (the Confederate soldiers) couldn’t hit an elephant from this dis…”

8. So much for the curse of good ole King Tut. Despite reports that all twenty-two people who were present at the exhumation kicked the bucket, twenty-one were still kicking ten years later.

9. If someone plans to jump off Mount Everest to commit suicide, you’ll need a lot of patience. It takes the average person 2.5 minutes to hit bottom. And we don’t want to know who timed it.

10. Here’s a job I definitely wouldn’t want to have. When Pyrenees beekeepers die, someone has to go around and splash every single one of their bees with black ink.

11. John Bowman, a tanner from Vermont believed that after his death he would be reincarnated with his pre-deceased wife and children. So, he ordered his house staff to have dinner on the table every night, just in case. They finally stopped in 1950 when the money finally dried up.

12. Think your décor is bad? Oscar Wilde’s last words were, “My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go” He fought the wallpaper and the wallpaper won.

13. An old superstition stated that if the doors in the house were locked, the soul of a dying person couldn’t get out.

14. Yet another superstition warns against pointing at a funeral procession, with the dire warning that you’ll die within a month. More proof for that whole three fingers pointing back at you thing.

15. Might want to read the labels a little more carefully. Nearly 2,500 lefties are killed every year using products meant for righties. Who knew? Now, just back away from those right-handed scissors.

16. A pet-parrot caused a ruckus at President Andrew Jackson’s funeral. His crime? Swearing during the ceremony. Guess he should have given Polly just one more cracker.

17. That ballpoint pen? The one you’re chewing on? Might want to put it down. 100 people are killed every year by choking on a ballpoint pen. Which proves the old quote about the pen being mightier than the sword. At least some of the time.

18. Apparently, they really are virtually indestructible. A cockroach can reportedly live up to 9 days without its head. The only reason they finally kick over? Starvation.

19. And you thought sex appeal was the first to go. Allegedly, it’s actually your sight that goes first when you die. It’s your hearing that’s the last to go…. What was that?